“When I said Legos, I meant Roblox, but don’t worry about it. Santa knows what I meant.”
My 4YO, on the evening of December 23rd.
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COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Boss pissed me off at work today
Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.