13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
“Nothing from my side, thanks” – My wedding vows
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
When you swallow a spider in your sleep, eat some dead flies the morning after to ensure the spider gives you a positive Trip Advisor rating
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.