I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
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If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
If I’ve learned one thing in my almost-34-years of life on this planet, it’s that there is absolutely no dignified way to eat a yolky fried egg sandwich.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it