My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
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Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
I had three cabbage rolls before bed. No need for an alarm clock.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
[reptile bar]
SNAKE CHARMER: Well ain’t you a cutie
COBRA *blushing*: tee hee
i met a girl in a bar bathroom once who was ready to fight this girl harassing me with zero context to the situation and we’ve been best friends ever since.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?