One of the scariest things is when you say something that forces your wife to take off her glasses before she responds.
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2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
If your wife asks “Why don’t you lock the door when you leave for work? Do you WANT something bad to happen to me?” DO NOT pause to think
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
My kids each place a toy on the checkout counter and hand the cashier a few plastic gold coins from home. The cashier smiles, I give a wink. She gets on the speaker: “Security, register 4.” They are cuffed & arrested for using counterfeit money. Time to learn about consequences.
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Police say Oscar Pistorius is a flight risk. How? Does he also have a pair of propeller feet?
*serious situation*
My brain:
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.