The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
wife: Why would you bring a dog to an interview?
me: Why wouldn’t you bring a dog to an interview?
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
With all the ghosting these days you’d think there’d be more documented ectoplasmic incidents.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
SURGEON: hold on, i just need to YouTube this part of the procedure
PHONE: *unskippable ad plays*
NURSE: he’s dyin
SURGEON: ah crap, hold on
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Bought $200 sunglasses.
Lost them in 15 minutes.Bought Walmart sunglasses.
Had them for 238 years.
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫