My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
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When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
I’m too polite to tell you that I dislike you, but if I ever serve you kale…take the hint.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
I’m not saying becoming a parent ages you, but when I started having kids I was 24, and now I’m 117.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
Sometimes I don’t even know why I bother boiling my underpants.