They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
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Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Craigslist: Meet your soulmate and lose a kidney all in one magical night.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
I’m putting together a team
Me: What’s the first step of fire safety?
4-year-old: Stay away from dragons.
Me:
4:
Me: Well, obviously.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Did my cat write this