There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
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I have a new favorite meme page
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
the #horror is real!
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
his wife is probably gonna see that
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”