Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
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It’s not an octopus. It’s a water spider. And yes, so called “marine biologist”, if you live in the ocean you swallow 8 of them every year.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
All is fair in drunk and war.
doing your own taxes
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Does this dress make me look cat?
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Me: who ate all the cookies!?
Toddler: it was the ninja
Me: did you see the ninja?
6yo: well no it’s a ninja
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[scrabble]
BATMAN: pass
SUPERMAN: again?
BATMAN: can’t spell anything
SUPERMAN: *rubbing temples* not every word has to start with BAT
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
me: wow, i wish i had a life as simple as a dog. they never do anything except sit there and nap all day and they’re so content.
also me: *is on the third day in a row of watching netflix on the couch for 9 hours straight*