Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.
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Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Breaking news:
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.
I don’t know what to do
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Hold on I’m about to count my money. Alright I’m done.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!