Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
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My wife calls me a busy beaver ‘cause every time I sit on the toilet I build a damn.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
[company all-hands Zoom call]
CEO: The future is ahead of us!
Me [unmuting]: Um. Yeah. That’s how time works.
Me: I’m going to eat healthier.
My 25 y.o. son: I don’t understand why, but okay.
People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
That IS a banana in my pocket AND I’m happy to see you. Why must society make these two things mutually exclusive??
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
This trial is so absurd 😭
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!