SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
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I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Me: it’s cold and wet.
Wipers: want me to smear the rain all over so you can’t see?
Me: n-no.
Defroster: I’ll fog every window in this car.
Me: why?
Windshield: here’s a small spot above the steering wheel to look through.
Me:
Windshield: I’m gonna need you to hunch over.
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?
Me: Since the age of two.
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
Me: allow me to be a frank with you
You: ok but don’t you mean ‘be fra-‘
Me: [is suddenly a hotdog]
You: [is suddenly a hotdog]
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.