Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
If these walls could talk I bet it would be gibberish cause these walls are plastered.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Them: I’m not getting that vaccine! I don’t know what’s in it.
Me: Have you ever eaten a hot dog?
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
when the author kills off your favorite character 😭😭😭
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Me: OMG I love this song
Radio: should I play it again
Me: okay
Radio: fifteen times
Me: wait
Radio: every hour
Me: no
Radio: for the next six months
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.