My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
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Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can鈥檛 I鈥檝e got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here鈥檚 that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I鈥檇 come through
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Why stop at biting during sex?
Bite people all the time.
I don鈥檛 flex at the gym鈥ut I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men鈥檚 locker room.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 馃檨
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
6yo: You鈥檙e grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fianc茅 is reading her wedding vows*
It’s like kids can just smell us relaxing.