Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
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Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
[reading Harry Potter]
Me: Do you know what’s going on?
3-year-old: He went to lizard school.
I’d correct her, but her version is better.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.