[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
You Might Also Like
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could hit 8 colleagues at once.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I saved 15 per
cent on my insurance by
switching to haiku.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
The glasses you choose should say something about you. For instance, “I can’t see.”
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not