There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
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GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Was glad my kids didn’t scream for me to come deal with the bug but also concerned when they named him Jerry before they killed it.
Sorry I look depressed. It’s just that when I heard the sound of your high heels on the hardwood floor, I thought a pony was in the house.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
[ bob ross paints over me with a tree ]
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
all bases covered
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
Care for your back
Every time I see someone getting a mud bath I assume they’re hiding from The Predator.
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻