Then there were 3 sets of footprints & God said “This is Deb. She answered my Craigslist ad & U r the one who said we should try new things”
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The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think itâs wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday itâll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. Theyâre two different letters.
*click
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but theyâre expensiveâyou want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
This is hilarious….
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
From the speed at which itâs spread Iâm wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to âgrodgeâ sales ?
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but youâre being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The natural consequence of receiving your toddlerâs Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see đ
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?