there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
You Might Also Like
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
Save time sledding with kids by just throwing away one mitten before you even leave the house
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
so many bosses have told me some variant on ‘it seems as if you’re only here for the paycheck’ and like. yeah
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*
Wife: it’s still NO!
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.