Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
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Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
One plain pizza plz
“Ok, one cheese pizza”
No cheese
“Um ok, sauce only”
No sauce
“But that’s just crust”
*excited quacking from trenchcoat*
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*