Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
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ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
Oops I accidentally set the east coast to sepia
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
Dear Lord,
Thank you for these noodles I’m about to eat and the good deal I got buying them in bulk at Costco. RA-MEN!
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Some coworkers reheated lunch smells like it’s about to go missing in my stomach.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Wife: please stop eating so much salt.
Me: why?
Wife: too much sodium can lead to high blood pressure, heart attack, and stroke.
Me: so you’re saying too much sodium is a salt with a deadly weapon?
Wife: [pours more salt on my food].
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
They also CAN sing✌️
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused exercise bike from 1987.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
[Surgery]
Anaestheologist: “Count back from 100, please.”
Me: “100, …, um…, …, uh…”
Anaestheologist: “OK. He’s out!”
*Surgeon starts sawing off leg
*I hold in the pain to disguise the embarrassment over my innumeracy
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….