Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
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[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
I’d exercise more often if running didn’t spill the whiskey in my glass.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Batman v Dracula
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful