my son thinks trying to crawl around me to play with electrical sockets is hilarious. almost as funny as yeeting himself off the side of the bed
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Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
*Day 9 of quarantine*
Him: My beard is really filling out!
Me: *rubbing my face* Mine too!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: What?
6y/o: “Mom, can I brush your hair?”
Me: “Well, you don’t really brush curly hair, but…that’s fine.”
6y/o, after spending 40 minutes brushing my hair: *puts the hood of my sweatshirt over my hair* “That’s better. Just keep that on.”
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet