MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
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me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
This squirrel eats better than I do
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emer-
Dinosaur: I’M BEING ATTACKED BY A GIANT SNAKE
Dinosaur 911: same color as you?
Dinosaur: YES
Dinosaur 911: is it your own tail?
Dinosaur: ok, you’re gonna laugh
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
BREAKING: Epstein autopsy reveals his teeth had become piano keys, consistent with death by piano drop
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.