I like to go the extra mile and then not come back.
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I really wish they had told me this before I got to the morgue
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I’m the Usain Bolt of running late
I would like even faster food.
If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.
Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
I gave my husband the entire update on Kate Middleton including all the conspiracy theories and he listened politely and when I was finished he said, who is Kate Middleton?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.