If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident
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My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: welcome to todays episode of cribs! this crib has a bouncy castle, lets check it out
[45 mins later]
camera man: should we see other stuff now?
me: *out of breath* no
[being chased around my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP, THIS IS JUST SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
Me trying to “trust the process”
“Children, try not to embarrass me at the supermarket,” I say to the 30 teddy bears buckled into my minivan.
My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
Have kids so you can start your day with questions like, “mom, why do people clean toilets?”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Sometimes I like to stand up really fast to remember what drugs feel like