The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
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TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
what idiot called them crabs instead of sidewalks
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
If RL people ask you how to join twitter, tell them they have to be sponsored by six people and submit tweets for approval. And pay. Sorted.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
british sex workers really pound for pound
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.