This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
The cashier just checked me out.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.