My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
You Might Also Like
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Snake: Oh shit it’s a wolf we gotta run
Armadillo: Go on without me
Snake: no just-
Armadillo: @
Snake: Wait where the hell are you
Armadillo: @
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Me: They call me snowcone
Him: Sweet and fun to lick?
Me: In a constant state of meltdown
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
god: stop doing bad stuff
me: hear me out, what if i keep doing it but i feel bad after
god: that’s not the same
me: sorry ur breaking up
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
is there nothing we can trust anymore
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
So many women brag about finding chips in their cleavage… But if you really want to impress a man, you pull out a meatloaf.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Getting a tattoo*
Me(to tattoo artist)-Do you ever make the bzzz-sounds with your mouth when you’re using a regular pen on your spare time?
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
sometimes I worry that my diseases are saving up to move to a better person in a more desirable location
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.