Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
You Might Also Like
anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
I never know what to say now when someone asks what I want for xmas: the ability to sleep past 6am, Xanax, some cheese?
Interviewer: “Are you comfortable staring at a computer screen eight hours a day?”
Me: *looks up from phone*
“What?”
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Smelled my finger after I took the bandaid off of it.
Don’t do that.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
I don’t know much about women but they love containers that hold smaller containers.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.