Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
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Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Be the reason why church doors slam shut as you walk by.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
Stop folding your fitted sheets. Roll them up into a ball like the rest of us.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone