Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
You Might Also Like
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
when someone tries to make you take a photo facing the sun bc it’s good lighting
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Need WebMD
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.