My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
My kid tried to get into my phone and got locked out, when she handed it back to me she said: look mom, I made it so that no one else could get into your phone. It was such an impressive spin on events, I signed her up for journalism school.
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
<enter password>
me
<password is too short>
meonstilts
<password must have at least one special character>
meandbatmanonstilts
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
Might make a living will because I don’t want my family deciding whether to pull the plug. My dad has a long history of being against wasting electricity.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.