Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
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What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
You can tell my friends are younger and don’t have kids because I just got this text:
Are you free this Saturday night? Come over for my birthday dinner! Wear velvet
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
The problem is, once you get the bear in a headlock, you’re going to have to let him go at some point and he’s going to be pissed.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.