Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
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My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we鈥檝e offered her
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids鈥’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
I don鈥檛 understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
5yo: [loudly whispers] MOMMY, SEE? WE’RE LETTING YOU AND DADDY SLEEP! AREN’T WE DOING GOOD?
Me: [in bed] Yeah. You’re doing GREAT.
Me: Ok, these are the specs. Do you think you can do it?
Architect: These look like renovation plans for a Barbie Dream House.
Me: And?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Who called it a “period tracker” and not a flow chart?
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
馃幎 Hummus a tune you鈥檙e the falafel man 馃幎
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster鈥檚 first drop.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you鈥檙e fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.