If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
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My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
One of my favorite scientific discoveries in recent years is that among domesticated animals, dogs recognize the difference between themselves and people, but cats just think the people who live with them are terrible incompetent cats
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.