Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
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wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
I’ve reached the age where people talk loudly and slowly to me.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup