I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
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Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
Me: *points to donut case*
Her: How many would you like, ma’am?
Me: Yes.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.