[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
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“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
Cop: your under arrest
Me: you’re* under arrest
2nd Cop: [handcuffing 1st cop] sorry Ed, but he’s right
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
In my family, we settle all disputes by pointing out the other’s short comings and failures and whoever starts crying first loses.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died!
ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.
Things will get butter, keep churning
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.