Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
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I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
“911, what is your emergency?”
Yes I can’t hear my television
“Sir, this is not an emer-”
Someone keeps screaming “HELP ME!!” next door
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
People will stop talking to you if you challenge them to a rap duel.
This is the best one I’ve seen
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either