[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
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If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Robin Thicke is what would happen if a roofie became a human and decided to make music.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason