Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
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My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
“Ouch!”
“Ow!”
“Careful, that’s my bad knee!”
“Oh great, now my arm is numb!”
“I think I need to ice something”
“Maybe we should rest for a minute!”
– sex in your 40’s
Seas the day!!!!
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
by age 35 you should hate at least 4 neighborhood kids
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
stop
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.