hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
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The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
[group therapy]
me: you ever feel so full of rage that you wish you could just ram somebody with your car and then throat punch them when they stumble out?
voldemort: uhh no
joker: yikes
darth vader: seriously what is wrong with you
Netflix documentaries convinced me I should be vegan. So I did what any American would do. I bought some bacon and canceled Netflix.
I swear my husband thinks 90% of what I do as a stay home mom is walk around the house & hide his stuff
*hides some stuff
It’s maybe 35%
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
“Feels nice on the ol’ bits, don’t it?”
“That it do, Clyde, that it do.”
Cristina Aguilera: “You’re beautiful! No matter what they say!”
Me: “Wait, what do they say?”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker