5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
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Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
PRINCESS PEACH: oh Mario I have terrible news
MARIO: what is it
PRINCESS PEACH: Luigi is dead!
MARIO: who?
PRINCESS PEACH: *sighs and pinches bridge of her nose* green you is dead
MARIO: oh no!
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Introverts need extroverts to push them out of their comfort zones, and extroverts need introverts to post bail.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.