[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
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*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I was taught to look both ways and only step into the crosswalk when a luxury car is approaching.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
dove: don’t poop on a nun…don’t poop on a nun…*poops* dammit
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
The man who invented the iPhone battery has died.
His funeral will take plac