If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
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ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
5-year-old: Why do you do chores if you don’t like to?
Me: The same reason you eat your vegetables.
5: Because Mom is scary?
Bingo.
*crashes through ceiling into kitchen*
Wife:You were doing karate in the attic again weren’t you
Me:*panting* No *nunchucks hit me in face*
If a gang attacks U say you’re on their side & U brought them “gang supplies”. They’ll let you go to the car to get the supplies. Drive away
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
they should invent a rest for the wicked
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Chicken bread
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”