Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
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Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
My 10 y/o daughter checked my wife’s Fitbit and she “didn’t move enough last night to be Santa Claus” and I still don’t have a “real beard” so it appears the old man will be back next year.
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
No way!
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
whenever i eat at a restaurant i make sure to sit with my back to the wall facing the door, that way if a dracula comes in i can kill myself before things get too scary
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
I forgot how to panic. Help
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..