*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
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I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
Mom? I think I know my Halloween costume for this year.
-My daughter’s favorite phrase from November through approximately late September
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
If the virus can keep becoming a new version of itself so can you.
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god