If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
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You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
My kitchen overserved me.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
ME: …
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“Hellman is sick. His sodium level is high and he’s dehydrated.”
“Omg. Where is he now???”
“He’s at the Mayo Clinic.”
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted?
ME: Yup.
FRIEND: Really? By who?
WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG.
ME: The ghost of my mother.